So in the past week I got on four different planes to go visit a friend in another state with my husband. The seemingly mundane task of sitting at the airport each time had an impact on me that hadn't happened in the last couple of times I had been on an airplane. For some reason these few times caught me.
The week before my sister died, our mom got on an airplane for the first time to go visit my dad in Maryland where he was working at the time. We were so excited for her! Natalie and I thought of a few little gifts to get her for her flight and the day of I took my mom to the airport. My sister was supposed to take her but she had been having fainting spells (a warning sign the doctor's wrote off) so we decided it'd be best for me to take our mom so Natalie didn't have to drive.
Sunday October 2nd 2016 my sister died from a pulmonary embolism. Basically that's a blood clot that forms somewhere in your veins (usually your legs) and dislodges it's self until it gets physically stuck. Once's it's stuck it limits the flow of blood. Sometimes causing numbness in the area it's at, coldness of the limb it's at and cutting off blood supply. If that clot dislodges and makes it way to you heart the odds of survival aren't in your favor. Your body becomes deprived of oxygenated blood. If that happens for too long you die. It's a tricky thought experiment to think of how science hasn't figured out a way around the human dependency for blood.
Looking back the warning signs of that time bomb in her veins are all over the last few weeks with her. By no means am I a medical professional. But after years of dealing with my sister having major operations and having a shared love of weird medical cases and medical dramas.... well I should have been paying more attention. The great irony for me is that a week after we got the autopsy report, I started re-watching "Grey's Anatomy". My sister had spent years watching reruns of the show. Honestly she should have been writing for it she knew so many weird medical cases, she herself was one weird medical case after another! If you ever stopped by to visit my sister at home while she was in too much pain to live a normal life, you'd join her watching the show. I too had seen the show extensively but no where near her replay count. Here's the ironic bit that Shonda Rhimes herself couldn't have written(Even though she did write the episode, she didn't know how it'd impact one of her biggest fans): Episode one of the entire series has their main character, Meredith Grey, diagnose a pulmonary embolism that would have killed the patient because the doctor on the case was too lazy and stubborn to test everything they should have. I think my sister would have found that morbidly funny. Why? Because after years in an out of the hospital you learn to laugh at some things that terrify you.
My mom was supposed to board a plane to come home the next evening. Instead after a few very painful phone calls from myself and my brother-in-law, her and my dad got in his truck and drove all the way from Maryland to south Texas because they just couldn't sit still. They stopped only for gas and made it back in record time.
So here I am in three different airports over a few days, six different times between the trip to and from home. At any given time someone is missing their flight. The airline employees are doing their best to get the attention of the missing passenger to let him or her know their flight is boarding. Final call, your flight is boarded. The doors will be closing by the end of this message. Please come to our counter to get assistance rebooking a flight. This is your final call. Flight #---- has left.
I kept thinking of my mom's name being said over those intercoms to board her flight. How many times did they ask her to get to the gate to take her seat? How many people got on that flight she missed and wondered what happened to the women who didn't make it on? Did the airline employee making the announcement wonder where she was, what could have kept her from getting on the plane?
It's a tiny moment in time that takes you away. It sucks the air out of the room and creates an ache in your chest that takes much too long to loosen. Here's a tacky thought: the ripples of our lives reach further than expected.
I had some other drama I wanted to dissect when I got home but my mom's name over an intercom hadn't left my mind. It's strange how life changes how you react to other's. My sister's death hasn't stopped having this weird ripple effect on my life. Small waves that hit me when I don't expect it change a moment in time to something more. Surely this must be what the sentiment, "They'll always be with you." means.
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