"everybody's got their way I should feel"

For the vast majority of my life I have often felt like I am not really a part of it. Things happen to me and that's it. For the most part everyone around me just decides how I should feel, or how I seem to feel. They forget to ask me how I actually feel. I can't help but think that they don't want to deal with how I feel. I am no the most graceful at feeling, and less so at expressing those feelings. So the times they do come out often include tears and scathing comments because by the time I get to have my say, I am so hurt and torn up that I need just that one little comment to cut someone else.

This is a theme, it's not new to my life by any means. My parents did it to me my whole life. Twenty-one years of living a lie before they were so mad at each other that I finally got dragged into some of their "secrets" that everyone else in the family knew but me. Don't tell the baby, she'll always be the baby. From full on lies, exclusions, gas lighting, white lies... more exclusion, lots of fucking assumptions. God if I could slam this keyboard right now I would, but because it's the only thing keeping me in a chair and not scratching at my skin it gets to live. 

I am the audience. 

Sometimes I really wish my problems were bigger, so I could be more grateful for me.