There's places in my memory that can only be unlocked in the right kind of weather. Thick fog paired with a cold cutting bite of a front coming in the middle of the night.
Like a ring of keys waiting for the right lock to appear. Every time one of these memories is unlocked it's like traveling in time. Not an older or wiser me remembering but a complete transfer to who I was then. Messy yet so sure I could get away with out a mark.
Eight year old me feeling the neck prickling majesty of fall leaves swirling around. Some ice crunching under my shoes as I stared off into the woods, hearing them call out for everything I carried within. Sixteen year old me rushing to find the boy that I was ready to call mine. There was something thick about the air that day. It turned my running steps into those moments in dreams when you can't ever move fast enough. Any time I see the leaves blow across a sidewalk I can't help but think you're a few steps away. That rustle is the sound of a moment so profound that I'd give countless miles to thank you.
So today I'm thinking about you. This key is everything I have about you. Blue eyes, bright smile, all that floppy hair and the way you'd take a deeper breath when you saw me.
Somewhere in my mind your voice reaches me and says, "don't forget this". What did that mean? My mind can't hold onto the tangible dates. Instead it's fleeting feelings that are washing over me, soaking me in the past. Both good and bad, yet I never wonder how I can stay a little longer. A time and a place for the memory of you, for the memory of us.
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02/10/2019
It's pretty rare these days that I sit down with a real pen and write what comes to mind. I was walking across campus to get to my eight AM class. There was this thick air and bite of cold that was threatening to pick me right up off the ground between my steps. I stopped to breathe in the moment and when I closed my eyes I found myself somewhere different. It was like a highlight reel of a specific time in my life. Specifically one perfect first kiss.
I feel like as we get older (and married) we tend to shy away from some of those past romantic moments. There's something unspoken taboo about looking back fondly on happy times in past relationships (a part of me blames Ariana Grande's Thank You, Next for introspection). Maybe this is me being sixteen again, once again thinking I can get away with out a mark. Thirty-one year old me isn't batting an eye. Be damned you small boxed in stunted romantics.
The truth is that one day I learned a lot about myself, it's a moment that I call on to remind myself that I am capable of bravery. It's not profound to others looking in on it but for me it was a defining mark on who I became. Take that deeper breathe and run to find what you want, what you need. The initial shock fades and you'll be okay. Funny how you were the one who could swim. I wonder if you'd be proud to know I've since jumped into oceans too deep to stand in. There's always a life jacket involved but that's exactly what that memory is to me. A lifejacket to brace myself into the unknown.
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